


start as you mean to continue

by grassthatchedHut



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 10:45:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassthatchedHut/pseuds/grassthatchedHut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: so did it ever occur to you<br/>TG: that maybe i dont actually want your help<br/>TG: newsflash to crazy alien chick<br/>TG: he’s just not that into you</p>
            </blockquote>





	start as you mean to continue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roachpatrol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roachpatrol/gifts).
  * Inspired by [proving to each other that romance is 8oring](https://archiveofourown.org/works/227878) by [roachpatrol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roachpatrol/pseuds/roachpatrol). 



> _Start as you mean to continue:_  
>  _Complacent and self-involved_  
>  _You're trying not to be nervous_  
>  _If you were trying at all_  
>  \--'Romance Is Boring,' Los Campesinos

The first time she trolls him, he's not expecting it.

But he's cool, cool, he's game for anything. He waits—not like he's thinking of what to say, no way, just dropping a long pause calculated to make the person on the other side of the screen uncomfortable. _Is he there? Is he taking a leak? Grabbing some sweet AJ from the fridge? Why isn't he writing back?_

He waits, with his own blood on his hands.

He doesn't wipe it off before he touches the computer, blunt nails clacking on the keys, fingertips tacky and sticking.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

AG: How'd you hurt yourself, Dave?  
TG: oh jesus  
TG: thank you kindly doctor  
TG: but im doing good  
AG: 8ut there's 8lood on your hands.  
TG: yeah you should see the other guy  
AG: I did.  
AG: You threw him out the window.  
AG: And he was you!!!!!!!!  
TG: how long were you watching me  
TG: conspiring with the servants while daddys away  
TG: waiting in the bushes while i played my lute  
TG: approaching my reed blinds on bended fucking knee  
AG: Jeeeeeeeez, Dave. I thought you'd appreciate a little attention.  
AG: Aren't you jealous that your friends are getting help from such awesome players?  
TG: what awesome players  
TG: colonel capslock and the rest of the a team  
TG: yeah i think im ok  
AG: You're getting help from the most awesome player of all!  
AG: 8ecause I have all the luck. Aaaaaaaall of it. And I'm going to share it with you!  
AG: I'm just the generous type. ::::)  
TG: whoa i didnt sign up for this  
TG: im not ticking that box  
TG: these terms of service look sketchy as fuck  
TG: sign away my house and my dog and my right to a lawyer  
TG: fuck that

But after he passes through the first gate, he’s almost grateful for his shitty blue fairy godmother ( _godlusus_ , she corrects him snootily)—if nothing else, the flash of the Pesterchum icon makes for a decent distraction. If he lets Vriska troll him while he fights down legions of imps, he can almost block out his own thoughts.

The image of Bro (sword in hand, cleaving apart a meteor) is burned into his eyes, but he doesn’t want to see it.

So he ignores it, and responds to his notifs instead.

AG: Dave!!!!!!!!  
TG: so did it ever occur to you  
TG: that maybe i dont actually want your help  
TG: newsflash to crazy alien chick  
TG: he’s just not that into you  
AG: Don’t 8e ridiculous, coolkid.  
AG: You need someone to help you, since your 8ro isn’t around.  
AG: And that someone should o8viously 8e me, since I’m the 8est!  
AG: There is no other SGRU8 player as strong as me.  
TG: yo whats it like being that crazy anyway  
TG: is it lonely on your remote fucking estate in the middle of nowhere  
TG: got mrs danvers playing games with your head  
TG: wearing the dead wife's dress to the costume ball  
TG: no one can blame you if you go a little nuts  
AG: Dave, you do realize no one gets your weird human jokes, riiiiiiiight?  
TG: thats because youre culturally insensitive  
TG: the ambassador from the alien republic of batshit is about to cause an international incident  
TG: the american attache has dived over the desks  
TG: he’s going in for the punch  
AG: I bet you hit like a 8oy.  
AG: Not even a troll 8oy. A soft little human 8oy!!!!!!!!  
AG: 8ut it’s ok, Dave. 8ecause I’ll help you get stronger.

She helps him and she likes it, and he's going to like it too if he knows what's good for him. But humans aren't known for their common sense! So sometimes she has to give him a little push: a needling comment here, a little mind control there. She doesn’t think of it as wrong.

She’s helping him, after all. He’d have to 8e some kind of idiot to say no to that.

And besides, considering that she’s the hero who’s going to kill Jack Noir, it’s very gracious of her to share her power with a weaker player. She’s taken on the responsibility of guiding an apprentice, someone she can groom to be (almost) as strong and brave and clever as she is. Vriska wonders if she should start keeping a journal like Mindfang’s, so that someday her descendant will know how great she was. Her descendant is going to have a lot to live up to!

She doesn’t start the journal, but she swears she will soon.

TG: yo fairy godmother  
TG: wave your magic wand for me  
TG: and tell me where my bro is  
TG: i havent seen him since i got in here  
TG: the wand better not be your freaky alien tentacle dick  
AG: Getting jumpy, Daaaaaaaave?  
TG: whos jumpy  
TG: look at these feet  
TG: firmly planted on the ground  
TG: but when I look around my bro is nowhere to be found  
TG: what gives serket dont keep secrets  
TG: give a kid a break  
AG: I'm not a 8a8ysitter, Dave! It's not my jo8 to look after your whole session.  
AG: You lost him, you find him!  
TG: ive been ripped off  
TG: you said you knew everything about this game  
AG: Jeez, no need to get all pissy.  
AG: Look, I'll keep an eye out for him. All of the eyes! Aaaaaaaall of them.  
TG: and youll tell me if you see him  
TG: right  
AG: I promise.  
AG: 8ut in the meantime, think of everything you can do for yourself.  
AG: You finally have a chance to get out from under your 8ro's shadow! Aren't you happy?

He’s too smart to say it but he’s grateful for the guidance. SBURB gameplay might be linear for some people. The Knight of Time isn’t one of them.

He navigates stable time loops, learning his powers. Sometimes he bumps into other Daves (it’s only unsettling the first three times).

“Can I trust her?” he asks one of the live ones.

Future Dave thinks about it for a long moment. Then he inclines his head in the slightest fraction of a nod, the movement disconcertingly reminiscent of Bro.

It’s good enough for Present Dave to go on.

When Vriska orders him to the LOHAC stock exchange, he cooperates so readily that she’s surprised.

AG: We're rich, Dave!!!!!!!!  
AG: Rolling in the 8oon8ucks!  
TG: whoa wait  
TG: hold your creepy alien horses serket  
TG: yank on those reins  
TG: the stock market rodeo is not a team sport  
TG: this cowboy rides solo into the sunset  
AG: Fine, fine, 8e a 8a8y about it.  
AG: You're rich. Is that 8etter?  
TG: hell yes  
TG: gonna dive into a pool of my own money and splash around like scrooge mcduck  
TG: skinny dipping in the filthy fucking lucre  
TG: and it's all mine  
AG: Don't forget who you owe it to.  
AG: Anyway, now you can gra8 the rest of your fraymotifs.  
AG: Full set, 8a8y! Let's see John 8eat that.  
TG: yeah right spiderbitch  
TG: im not catching up to john  
AG: I h8 to 8r8k it to you, Dave! 8ut you're gonna come out ahead.  
AG: I know that for some dum8 reason you don't think of yourself as a winner.  
AG: 8ut you've got a 8etter mentor than John ever will.  
AG: So it's a done deal!!!!!!!!

She would be lying if she said there was nothing in it for her. Because after she trolls him she always feels _8etter_ —sharper, fiercer, more clearheaded. Her session is over, but micromanaging Dave's game is preferable to sitting on her gluteal pads waiting for the humans to finish up. She feels like she’s getting something done, something finally worth her time.

After all, a hero like her is all about action, right?

It’s not long after that when he finds his quest bed.

TG: ok  
TG: now what  
AG: You know what.  
AG: Do it!!!!!!!!  
TG: what  
TG: off this dapper motherfucker  
AG: Yes! Exactly that!  
TG: oh hell no  
AG: I can’t do it for you, Dave.  
TG: im not asking you to  
TG: but isnt there something kinda sick  
TG: about the way youre sitting there cheering for me to kill myself  
TG: i mean think about it  
AG: Do you want to make god tier or not!!!!!!!!  
TG: so if i stab me  
TG: and im not committing to that ok  
TG: if i stab me  
TG: which of us is going to be god tier  
AG: Try it and see!

Dave Strider does not try it and see. Dave Strider ollies the fuck out, flipping her the bird as he goes, and Vriska Serket is utterly incapable of understanding why she feels vaguely guilty about it all.

It’s when the doomed Dave (the Dave _she_ doomed, she thinks with a pang, and the feeling of regret is foreign and uncomfortable like the tightness of her exoskeleton, just before the molt) trolls her that she finally figures it out.

TG: shitty nap that was  
TG: hey  
TG: vriska  
TG: where do I go next  
AG: You don't.  
AG: Sorry, Dave.  
AG: ::::(

She cares now, so much that she feels sick when she sees Jack Noir flash behind him. She cares about the soft fleshy fragile boy, and her resolve to be the one who kills Jack doubles, triples, multiples eightfold.

She surprises herself when she realizes she’s not ashamed of it.

AG: <>  
TG: what the fuck is that serket  
AG: You should 8e honored, Dave!  
AG: I’ve decided to have you as my moirail.  
TG: i know i said all the bitches want to ride this  
TG: but that was a figure of speech  
TG: im not actually a monorail okay  
AG: Don’t 8e a 8a8y about this, Dave! You’re going to 8enefit from it a lot more than I will.

(That’s a blatant lie.)

* * *

The blue ground is spattered with obscenely bright blood, still wet. The unbreakable katana protrudes from Bro’s chest like a sword in a sick corpsey stone. Dave wonders if pulling it out will make him the rightful king, will make anything more than an even worse mess.

The icon flashes on his iShades and he swears aloud.

AG: Dave!!!!!!!!  
TG: aw fuck  
TG: spiderbitch i just told you i wanted some time alone  
TG: we need to take a break  
TG: see other people  
AG: Oh, please! Like there are people more interesting and important than me.  
TG: sure there are  
TG: lets start with the dearly departed here.  
TG: let a man rest in peace let a boy make his peace with the man he wanted to be let me mourn on this morn for the weary and the fucking forlorn  
TG: back off vriska  
TG: fuck ill spell it out in your language  
TG: 8ack off  
TG: is that clear enough for you

He sits down next to his Bro's body, aware of what a fucking tool he looks like as he talks into his iShades. He tries very hard not to look at all the blood. Too much of it lately. It's been a long fucking day. He’s seen too many corpses and too many of them had his face. But a stack of dead Daves is fundamentally, intrinsically different than even a single dead Bro.

In Dave’s eyes, Bro was valuable.

AG: Dave, I know you’re hurting.  
TG: who the fuck is hurt  
TG: im not hurt  
TG: man of steel baby  
TG: except without the weakness to shitty green rocks  
TG: man what kind of idiot is weak to rocks  
TG: dont even gotta hit the fucker with em  
TG: some hero he is  
AG: Dave, it’ll 8e ok.  
AG: 8ecause I’m going to kill Jack.  
TG: no  
TG: no fucking way serket  
TG: hes mine  
TG: my brother my battle  
TG: ill dish it out so hot hell get back in line for a second helping of asskicking  
TG: please sir i want some more  
TG: and ill hit him with the ladle  
AG: Dave, don’t 8e a stupid wriggler a8out this.  
AG: Jack would kill you!  
TG: life is cheap  
TG: especially my own  
TG: gonna ride those missiles out into the bay  
TG: blow up my sweet machine while the vice foreign ministers hot ass daughter screams my name  
TG: two hundred 8ruises and 8roken 8ones 8itches  
TG: there are you happy now  
TG: did i satisfy your creepy octofetish  
AG: Dave a lot of people's lives are cheap 8ut yours isn't one of them!  
AG: You’re a hero, and heroes have to live!  
TG: heroes have to throw the bad guys in the slammer  
TG: and that’s what im gonna fucking do  
AG: The slammer?  
TG: slammer means jail  
TG: you call it the slammer when youre extra angry at crimes  
AG: Dave, I don’t think you’re thinking very clearly right now.  
AG: And that’s 8ad. 8ecause there was something I wanted to talk to you about!  
TG: fine vriska  
TG: what is so goddamn important that you had to blatantly disrespect that i told you to leave me alone  
TG: make it good  
AG: I killed Tavros.

Well. That’s a thing, and Dave doesn’t really know what to do about it. She’s an adult now by her fucked-up alien society standards, right? Good for her.

But somehow her regret over one murder isn’t enough to sway her from her resolve to commit another, and she still has every intention of going after Jack.

AG: It’s not just about me anymore, Dave!  
AG: It’s about you too. And your 8ro.  
TG: this is the shittiest of all the shitty ideas youve ever had  
TG: i mean you are like a horrorshow memorial day marathon of shitty ideas  
TG: forty eight hours of shitty ideas played back to back with no commercial breaks  
TG: and if jack can kill my bro  
TG: he can kill you  
TG: and i dont think you should do this alone  
AG: Dave, stop 8eing a 8ig softie!  
AG: As romantic as dying together would 8e, I think fortune has 8etter things lined up for you.  
AG: And my chances of winning are 8etter when you’re not getting in my way.  
AG: ::::)  
TG: you really think youll win  
TG: ?  
AG: Who else can?  
AG: I’ll give him hell.  
AG: Extra hell, on your 8ehalf.  
AG: I’m going to go now.  
TG: vriska  
TG: baby do you still remember  
TG: the very first time you trolled me  
TG: baby do you still remember  
TG: the first time that you mind controlled me  
TG: that was the very beginning  
TG: of our fucked up alien bromance  
AG: That’s a really stupid and 8oring way to say <>!  
TG: oh fine  
TG: <>

She never does get a chance to start that journal.

**Author's Note:**

> This was probably the most fun (and the most difficult) challenge I've done so far. Many thanks to paraTactician for his invaluable advice on how to write a decent Dave; any deficiency you see here is entirely my own fault.


End file.
